I collect one-liners. Here is a bucket of recent acquisitions....

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a hammer.
A man and his truck: It's a beautiful thing.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you flash me.
A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
Alaskans For Global Warming.
All I want to do is massage your back. TRUST me...
Anarchists of the world unite!
Another Deadline, Another Miracle!
Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.

Friends don't let friends line dance.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy!
Are lightning rods contrary to God's will?
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
At Exxon, we help Jesus walk on water.
The best things in life are free plus tax.
Be ye fishers of men: You catch them. He'll clean them.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Bomb Texas. They have oil!
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities!

A flight attendant is to save your ass, not to kiss it!
Cats humor us because they know that their ancestors ate ours.
CATS. The other white meat!
Christians: You can't live with them, you can't feed them to the lions anymore .
Club soda, not seals. 
Dare to Decriminalize Marijuana.
Different drummer? I'm my own band!
Dijon vu! - the same mustard as before.
Do not wash. Vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!
Don't blame me... I'm just visiting this planet!
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Honk if you understand Punctuated Equilibrium.

Dr. Kevorkian for White House physician.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Everything I know, I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains. 
Evolution created anchovies - Man's ignorance put them on pizza!
Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Skydiving — good to the last drop.
Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
Having children is like being pecked to death by ducks.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends.
Hemp Hemp Hooray
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window! 
Humpty was pushed!
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
I had no idea when I married Mr. Right that his first name would be "always" 
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins. 

Subvert the Dominant Paradigm.

If Jimmy cracks corn but nobody cares, why does he still do it?
If the music is too loud, you're too old.
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
If you can read this I'm not going fast enough.
If you think the system is working, just ask someone who isn't.
Illiterate? Write for our free brochure.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It looks to me like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps. 
Mom's Travel Agency — Ask about our guilt trips.
Montana - At least our cows are sane!
My mind is not for sale or rent to any god or government.
My sexual preference: Often
Never fight ugly people—they have nothing to loose.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing political is correct.
Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?
One by one, the penguins slowly steal my sanity.
One Nation Under-Educated
Pee for enjoyment, not for employment.
Plunder globally. Manage media locally.
Saturday has a morning?
September 12: Sell your SUV day! 
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 

I like your approach, let's see your departure
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! 
The fact that no-one understands you does NOT make you an artist
The gene pool could use a little chlorine..
Wage Peace!  
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
Will work for food... Will beg for sex
Women can be saints. Why not priests?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You never see a Harley parked in front of a shrink's office.

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