Three Jokes for Renee's Birthday 

 

One

 

     A woman goes to the supermarket and buys two large bags of peanuts then goes to the zoo. When she arrives at the monkey cage, there are no monkeys. A zookeeper walks past.

     “Where are all the monkeys?
     “Well, it is mating season and they are all inside the building.
     “Do you think they would come outside for some peanuts?
     “Would you?”

 

Two

 

    A woman walks into a supermarket dragging two young children. Up and down the aisles she screams obscenities at them. The kids of course act miserable the whole time. No one has a clue what to do or say. As a result, the whole place is in a tense hush wherever the three of them go.
     Finally the manager sends over a matronly checker to talk with the woman. The checker says "Good morning, Ma'am, and welcome to Food Mart. Lovely children you have there. Are they twins?"
     The  woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
     "No", replies the checker, "It was just beyond my imagination to think you could actually have gotten pregnant more than once."

 

Three

 

     Ed is taking a vacation on a cruise ship. During a storm, the boat sinks. Ed finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing but bananas and coconuts.
     After three months, he is lying on the beach one day when a beautiful woman rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from?  How did you get here?"
      "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.  "I landed here when our cruise ship sank. Don’t you remember me from the disco?"
      "Amazing," he says.  "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."  
       "Oh, this?" replies the woman.  "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
     "But, but, that's impossible," stutters Ed.  "You had no tools or hardware.  How did you manage?"
      "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman.  "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.  I found if I fired it to a certain temperature it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
     Ed is stunned.
      "Let's row over to my place," she says.  After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.  As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat.  Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
      As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

     "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed.  "Can't take any more coconut juice."
     "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies.  "I have a still.  How about a Pina Colada?"
      He accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
     No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.  "This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"
     When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.  "Tell me," she says, sliding closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time.  You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months.  You know what I mean??" 
     He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean," he says excitedly; "I can check my e-mail from here?"